When Sisters are not sure of mother’s love, each tends to believe very strongly that her sister is getting all the love, and she is getting none. Children often believe that there is a finite amount of love to go around, and that since her sister is getting the love, each is convinced that her needs will never be met and her desires will forever remain unfulfilled.
Sisters often handle this dilemma by ascribing certain values and skills to themselves. One may decide that since there’s not enough love to go around, she will exchange the love she believes is missing, for attention of any kind–even if at times it’s negative attention, and for some it’s serious punishment. This sister rationalizes that at least she is being seen.
Others may seek attention by doing well in school, playing an instrument or excelling at sports. This sister is often attractive and makes a decision to teach her children to be self- sufficient so that they will not experience the longing for love she faced as a child–her children will stand on their own two feet and so will she. This sister is often alone and doesn’t seem to mind it, having made the decision to care for herself instead of relying on others who will let her down.
Another sister believes that since love is a sparse commodity–and that what little love there is, is given to her sister, so she develops a dependent personality and clings to mom, and sometimes dad. She may do little in the way off accomplishments, afraid if she competes she’ll lose out–so she chooses a life path that’s guaranteed, like becoming a nurse or a school teacher. She tends to marry down, so that what she believes are her inferior skills will shine in a relationship with a more ordinary man who feels lucky to have her.
Since completion is terrifying for her, she tends to teach her children to be dependent upon her–believing that will guarantee that she will always be loved. This results in children who become burdened with feelings of inadequacy and no internal locus of control. They tend to doubt their intelligence and their lives are often peppered with professional or job failures. Some children do remain overly attached to mother into adulthood, while others marry a domineering man or woman, replacing their dependency on mother by switching dependence to their spouse.
If you think you might be one of these sisters, or the child of one of these mothers, Family Constellations can help you change these unsatisfying, and sometimes destructive behaviors. The latest research shows that behaviors like these can be passed from generation– epigenetically! So if you want to be the one who stops the heritability of these dysfunctional behaviors, our next workshop will focus on exploring and reconciling with sisters, brothers, and mothers–relationships that can be reconciled in this generation do not have to be carried over to the next!