I have a confession and a request.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been able to know things about people and events that couldn’t be explained by logic. As a little girl, I knew when my grandparents would pass away and I could “speak” with them when they did pass. There were times that I spit out answers to questions before they were asked, and as you can imagine, I was looked at as weird by many and feared by some. I remember the time when someone told my mom they were worried I was a devil worshiper. I was so surprised by this reaction, because of the capacity of love I feel when I connect to what I feel is God. Even as a little
girl, tears of love would overwhelm me when I communicated things that I felt were God’s words.
As I learned of Jesus and God in catechism, I had a knowing of benevolence and love that seemed different from the other students and teachers. I blatantly disagreed with my catechism teachers who tried to convince me there were conditions to Jesus’ and God’s love. I remember telling my teachers that there are no conditions or judgments from God; that free will means we are loved the same, no matter our choices. When asked how I knew this, I explained that Jesus tells me at night when I pray.
I still laugh at the fearlessness I had to contradict such an embedded hierarchical belief system. Not surprisingly, I was told I was wrong and didn’t know what I was talking about. My teachers stopped calling on me when I raised my hand, sat me in the back of the class and proceeded to discredit or
minimize me the duration of the class. Interestingly, I didn’t think I was wrong. I thought they just didn’t know Jesus and God the way I did. I did learn to keep my thoughts to myself though.
I learned very quickly to reframe my intuition and explained things I knew in logical terms, in ways others might believe I came to by using my intellect. This was easier for people to understand. I tried to soften my knowing of things by saying I dreamed of them. Others were fascinated, not afraid, that I could dream of something that came true; again this was easier for them to understand. Eventually though, I sensed that others were uncomfortable with my “seeing”. Not long into my childhood, I began to hide most aspects of my intuition, psychic abilities, or (as I thought of it) my ability to “see”.
For years and years, I was convinced, if I acted normal I would be happy and possibly accepted and loved by those around me. I tried to be what others wanted me to be because I knew they would be more comfortable without me knowing things. I tried to exist in systems and structures that seemed dysfunctional and harmful to me for the ultimate goal of being somewhat normal.
As it goes with most of us, normal didn’t last too long, which leads me to my confession. I actually love my abilities and I no longer want to minimize or pretend that I don’t “see’, feel or know things. I want to embrace being who I Am exactly the way I Am. I love my intuition and knowing of situations before they happen. I like that I can ‘see’ people, their souls and connect with entities or angels on other dimensions. I don’t want to hide behind normal anymore. But I don’t want to scare people or you away either and I know I scare some people. I feel most people are afraid I’ll see their secrets and/or their darkness.
I can. I see things people sometimes wished I didn’t. In simple terms, and I realize there is nothing simple about the feelings associated with our secrets, fears and darkness, I don’t feel the same way you do about them. I see, feel, and know that these areas of yourself need and deserve to be loved. I feel such an overwhelming urge to hold in such benevolence all of your parts; the doubts, the fears, the insecurities, the shame, and guilt along with your greatness; your joy, confidence independence determination, intelligence and compassion. I have never thought or felt to laugh, judge or make fun of anyone’s parts. Not ever. I see love. I feel love and think only love when in your presence.
For so long I’ve held back feelings of love for myself and others because they didn’t seem to fit within the rigors of our overworked, linear and logical culture. But as I peeked out of the walls I tried to hide behind or fit myself within, I began to see with honor and benevolence the miraculous light or greatness within everyone. It is truly the most beautiful experience when you let someone know with your words, feelings, and behaviors that they are magnificent. They begin to open and express themselves in amazing ways. They express confidence and love when moments before there might have been
frustration and sadness. It is miraculous.
So here is my request: can we stand in all of our parts together? I’ll walk with you carrying all my parts. I will feel, express and be all my love whenever I feel it and not be afraid to be exactly who I Am. I promise I’ve learned to discern the information I hear, feel and see to wait for permission
before I blurt it out (most of the time). But can we each see the greatness in each other when we pass on the street or greet each other at the grocery store? Can we look in each other’s eyes and feel honor for our differences and similarities? Can we feel, think and express first love instead of thinking
judgments? Can we greet each other without fear of being judged or rejected because we know there is a part of God within each and everyone of us?
This concept seems simple but to those of us who walk a loving path, it can be a challenge (and even that is simplifying it). However, trying to choose love and compassion whenever faced with anger, apathy and ignorance, can change the ripples of our experiences both personally and collectively. I’ve seen it. In my own life and for others.
By Brenda Tringali