Sometimes grown-ups use the word “ego.” But it can sound confusing. An easier way to understand it is to call it your Separated Self — the part of you that feels all alone in the world. This article is written so you can read it to your children… and to the little child inside your own heart.
What Is the Separated Self?
Imagine there is a part of you that sometimes forgets something very important:
You are never truly alone.
You are part of everything — connected to other people, to nature, and to the big loving world around you.
When this part forgets, it goes into Alone Mode. In Alone Mode, it thinks, “It’s just me. I have to take care of everything by myself.” It gets scared because it believes it has to fight and struggle to survive.
This is what many people call the ego. It is not bad. It is just scared and confused.
How the Separated Self Grows
When we are little, something happens that makes us feel alone or unsafe. That’s when the Separated Self is born. At first it is like a scared little child.
But as the years go by, if we keep feeling alone, this part of us grows up too. It gets smarter. It learns all kinds of tips, tricks, and tools to get what it wants:
It might bend the truth.
It might tell a lie.
It might try to trick or control other people.
It thinks these tricks are necessary because it still believes it is all by itself. The longer it stays in Alone Mode, the better it gets at these survival tricks — even if they end up hurting us or the people we love, the Seperate Self often feels like it does not have a choice.
Triggers and Yucky Feelings
When you are in Alone Mode, certain things can suddenly push a button inside you. We call these triggers.
A trigger might be:
Someone says something unkind,
You feel left out,
You make a mistake,
Or you don’t get your way.
When the button gets pushed, the Separated Self gets very scared and fills you with yucky feelings (negative emotions).
These feelings can go two directions:
Toward others: You might feel mad, jealous, or want to blame someone. The Separated Self says, “They are the enemy!” So you might argue, yell, or say mean things.
Toward yourself: Sometimes the yucky feelings turn inward. The Separated Self says mean things like, “You’re not good enough,” “You always mess up,” or “Nobody likes you.” This makes you feel sad, ashamed, or worthless.
The more time we spend in Alone Mode, the stronger these triggers become and the faster the yucky feelings show up. But they are not the truth — they are just the scared part trying to protect itself.
How to Calm Down and Feel Safe Again
When the triggers come and yucky feelings get big, your body can feel scared and upset. Your heart might beat fast, your breathing gets quick, or your tummy feels tight. This is your nervous system going into protection mode.
Here are gentle ways to help yourself feel safe and secure again:
Breathe slowly. Take a few slow, deep breaths. Breathe in calm… breathe out the scared feelings.
Say kind words to yourself. Talk to your Separated Self the way you would talk to a scared friend. You can say something like:
“I am safe. I’m connected. I’m provided for and protected. I am loved. All is well.”
Remember the truth. Gently remind yourself: “I am not alone. I am part of the big loving world. I am cared for.”
Each time you do this, your nervous system calms down. The Alone Mode gets quieter, and you move back into Safe and Secure Mode — where you feel peaceful, connected, and loved.
The Good News: We Can Remember
The most important thing to know is this:
Your Separated Self is not the real you.
It is only a frightened part that has forgotten the truth.
When we remember we are connected, the triggers get smaller. The yucky feelings don’t last as long. And the real you — the connected, loving, peaceful you — shines through more and more.
A Message to Children and Inner Children
It’s okay if you sometimes feel scared or alone. Everyone does. Be gentle with that scared part of you. Talk to it kindly, the way you would talk to a frightened little friend.
You can say:
“I see you’re scared. But you are safe. You are not alone. I am here with you.”
“We are connected to the Whole Universe, we are connected, provided for and protected, we are safe.
The more we practice remembering we are connected, the happier and freer we feel — as children and as grown-ups.
