Having high self-esteem may be simple, but it is not always easy. Many people, even mental health professionals, connect self-esteem with outside forces such as race, religion, nationality, sexual orientation, popularity, physical dominance, beauty, weight, intellect, and even other people’s opinions.
And it’s often still connected to our sense of self-worth established in childhood before we even start making decisions for ourselves.
Here is a general breakdown of self-worth and self-esteem:
CHILDHOOD- Age 1 to 6, we are emersed in feminine energy, typically thought our mother, and we get our self-worth through our experiences and connections with her mostly.
LATE CHILDHOOD– Age 7 to 12, the masculine energy engulfs us; they call this the age of reasoning because we start to reflect on what is happening and how we feel about it.
INDIVIDUALITY – At age 12 to 18, both the male and female energies are fully embodied, and we no longer just think our way or feel our way through life. We are developing idealistic views.
We will spend the next six years creating ideals by questioning, and challenging ourselves and everything we have learned so far. We naturally compare ourselves to others and evaluate and judge our teachers and parents; we say things like, when I grow up, I will never do this, be this, etc.; we are creating Ideals based on our experiences and our uniqueness.
ADULTHOOD – At age 18, we are adults; by now, our ideals should have taken over all the voices in our heads from our teachers, parents, and the whims of our peers and help us decided for ourselves based on those chosen valued ideals who we are and how we handle things regardless of others.
If we have mastered setting our Ideals, we become our own best friends, and we become parents to ourselves, we encourage ourselves without harming ourselves, we motivate without belittling, correct our own thoughts, feel our own feelings, set our own life goals, and monitor and control our own behavior, we are accountable to and for ourselves.
We can still respect the opinions of others, even our parents, but we don’t look for their approval because they are not living our life; they have no idea what it is like to be us or what we value most… Only we live in our own hearts and mind, even if they pat you on the back, it’s based on their values of right and wrong or good and bad, but it might not be necessarily true for us.
What you deem right and wrong and good and bad should be the main thing you question and consider. The answers to your questions about your thoughts, feelings, and actions create a “reputation of yourself with yourself,” and from that reputation will come your personal self-esteem… how you esteem yourself is what matters!
Sure, we can respect the opinions of others, even our parents, but ultimately positive self-esteem and self-worth are nurtured from within ourselves, not from the approval of others. Each of us are living our own life, and other people may or may not have any idea what it is like to be us or know what we value most. Only we live in our own heart and mind.
If you do things that go against your ideals to please someone, anyone, you have compromised yourself, betrayed yourself, and your reputation with yourself suffers. This can lead to feelings of alienation, loneliness, feeling not good enough, and wanting to ‘escape’, because your personal values have not been trusted and protected. You must come to a place where you can trust yourself to do the right thing for yourself in all circumstances.
If you have not already chosen your own “Highest Ideals,” you can begin now by searching and digging deep into your thoughts, feelings, and experiences to develop Ideals that you can work to live up to and be proud of regardless of others.
Self-esteem is only about one thing; it’s about how well do you live up to your own highest ideals. I hope you will get to know yourself, be true to yourself, and replace your inner critic with a loving coach (yourself) that will help you know that your worth it and support you to create an excellent life for YOU!
“To Thine Own Self Be True,” Shakespeare
Penny Golden
